How about some mushiness?
Before you read this, may I request that you humor me by trying the following: “Take a look into a mirror or your blank phone and say to the reflection facing you, “I love you”.
Easy, right? Now say the same exact words to the person next to you. Chances are that you just ended the exercise by taking a rain check. Don’t feel bad, you are not alone.
In my just over 3 decades of existence, I can’t quite recollect who I first said those magical words to, but I’m pretty certain it wasn’t of the genuine kind. What I now choose to call the “deceit of love”, a distant cousin of puppy love, usually common when there’s a love interest of the infatuation kind. This is not to be confused with the love I’m referring to. It is also quite possible I wrote those words at the time as I shudder to think how I must have sounded if I had made the pronouncement instead.
I wouldn’t say that I come from a privileged family, but growing up, my working class parents (Engineer Dad, Civil Servant Mum) did everything they could to raise us well and provided the best they could afford and taught us to be contented with what we had.
Thinking back, one thing that wasn’t particularly common after the numerous “Thank yous” was “I love you”. Besides the occasional instances when you’re deservedly punished for erring, the rest was all love for our folks. So how come we didn’t declare it? I’ve since concluded that it was simply a case of not being able to give what you didn’t have.
We are trained to say too many “Thank yous” in Africa, maybe a little too much as we even feel obliged to accord such courtesy to the looters and rapists of our national birthright but not “I love you”. We are the epitome of Respect. Not!
You often hear an adult say to a child “Was it mummy that bought those (insert any item) for you?” “Did you say thank you?” What follows usually determines the fate of the conversation. It’s either the child nods in acknowledgement or gives said adult the death stare. I’ll choose my words carefully if it was the latter.
We don’t say, “I love you” often enough and when we do, we often don’t mean it. I know a few people that would refrain from saying it, inferring that it’s demeaning and makes them appear soft. Some reserve it only for Valentine’s Day as if it’s some type of secret code. Some, only to their spouses/partners and are loath to say it to anyone else they don’t share an intimacy with.
A few days ago, my younger male cousin said to me, “Sir you know I love you”. Instinctively, I said I love you too. A dramatic shift I have been noticing in myself for a little while now, after realize just how wrong we’ve been all along. Whenever my father (now approaching 70) calls to say he loves me, I’m quick to return the favour. I repeat the sequence with my mum.
Saying “I love you” does not demean or make you soft. On the contrary, it frees you of negativity, releasing an energy that radiates around both the speaker and receiver. Bottom line, life shouldn’t be too hard for love to be genuinely expressed.
So guys, what/who do you think is responsible for the general refrain from the declaration of love? Is it a taboo for Africans to say “I love you”? Are we in a competition on who has got the most macho family? Please leave your comments below.
Thank you for reading.
I love you.
